I like monkeys.
The pet store were sellin' them for five cents a peice. I fought that
odd since they were normally a couple fousand. I decided not ter 'ave a
look a giffforse in the North and South. I bought 200. Cor blimey guv,
would I lie to you? I like monkeys.
I took me 200 monkeys 'ome. I 'ave a big car. I let one drive. His name
were Sigmund. He were retarded. I'll get out me spoons. In fact, right,
none of them were right bright. They kept punchin' themselves in their
genitals. I laughed. Then they punched me genitals.
I 'ad the mockers put on laughin'.
I 'erded them into me room. They didn't adapt right well ter ffeir new
environment. They would screech, right, hurl themselves off the couch at
'igh speeds and slam into the wall. Alffough 'umorous at first, the
spectacle lost it's novelty 'alfway into it's fird 'our.
Two 'ours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason, init?They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like wen yer buy a goldfish and it dies five 'ours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.
I didn't know wot ter do. There were 200 dead monkeys layin' all over
my room, right, on the bed, right, in the dresser, right, hangin' from me
bookcase. It 'ave a looked like I 'ad two 'undred frow rugs.
I tried ter flush one dahn me toilet. It didn't work, do wot guvnor! It
got stuck. Then I 'ad one dead, right, wet monkey and 199 dead dry
monkeys.
I tried pretendin' that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a wile, that is until they began ter decompose. It started ter smell real
bad.
I 'ad ter pee but there were a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't
want ter call the chuffin' plumber. I were embarassed.
I tried ter slow the bloomin' decomposition by freezin' them.
Unfortunately there were only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I
'ad ter change ffem evry 30 seconds. Right. I also 'ad ter eat all the
bloomin' food in the bloody freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burnin' them, init? Wee did I know that me bed were flammable.
I had ter extinguish the bleedin' fire.
Then I 'ad one dead, right, wet monkey in me toilet, right, two dead,
frozen monkeys in me freezer, right, and 197 dead, right, charred monkeys
in a pile on me bed. The odor weren't improvin'.
I became agitated at me inability ter dispose of me monkeys and ter use
the baffroom. I severely beat one of me monkeys. I felt better.
I tried frowin' them oray but the garbageman said that the city were
not allowed ter dispose of charred primates. I told 'im that I 'ad a wet
one. He couldn't take that one eever. I didn't bovver askin' about the
frozen ones.
I finally arrived at me solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
Me mates didn't know quite wot ter say. They pretended that they liked
ffem but I could tell they were lyin', right? Ingrates. So I punched them
in ffeir genitals.
I like monkeys.
-- Anonymous
