ah like monkeys. Th' pet sto'e was sellin' them fo' five cents a peice. ah thunk thet odd on account o' they were no'mally a couple thousan'. ah decided not t'look a gif'houn'dog in th' mouth. ah bought 200. ah like monkeys. ah took mah 200 monkeys home. ah have a trimenjus car. ah let one drive. His name was Sigmund, cuss it all t' tarnation. He was retarded, cuss it all t' tarnation. In fack, none of them were pow'ful bright. They kepp punchin' themselves in their junitals. ah laughed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Then they punched mah junitals. ah stopped laughin'. ah herded them into mah room, dawgone it. They didn't adapp mighty fine t'their noo environment. They'd screech, hurl themselves off th' couch at high speeds an' slam into th' wall, ah reckon. Although hoomrus at fust, th' speckacle lost it's novelty ha'fway into it's third hour. Two hours later ah foun' out whuffo' all th' monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died, cuss it all t' tarnation. No apparent reason, as enny fool kin plainly see. They all jest so'ta' dropped daid. Kinda' like when yo' buy a goldfish an' it dies five hours later. Dawgone cheap monkeys. ah didn't knows whut t'do. Thar were 200 daid monkeys layin' all on over mah room, on th' bed, in th' dresser, hangin' fum mah bookcase. It looked like ah had two hundred throw rugs. ah tried t'flush one down mah toilet. It didn't wawk. It got stuck. Shet mah mouth! Then ah had one daid, wet monkey an' 199 daid dry monkeys. ah tried pretendin' thet they were jest stuffed animals. Thet wawked fo' a spell, thet is until they began t'decompose. It started t'smell real bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah had t'pee but thar was a daid monkey in th' toilet an' ah didn't be hankerin' t'call th' plumber. ah was embareessed, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah tried t'slow th' decomposishun by freezin' them, dawgone it. Unfo'tunately thar was only inough room fo' two monkeys at a time so ah had t'change them ev'ry 30 seconds. ah also had t'eat all th' grub in th' freezer so it didn't all hoof it bad, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah tried burnin' them, dawgone it. Li'l did ah knows thet mah bed was flammable. I had t'extin'uish th' fire. Then ah had one daid, wet monkey in mah toilet, two daid, frozen monkeys in mah freezer, an' 197 daid, charred monkeys in a pile on mah bed, cuss it all t' tarnation. The odo' warn't improvin'. ah became agitated at mah inability t'dispose of mah monkeys an' t'use th' bathroom, dawgone it. ah sevahely beat one of mah monkeys. ah felt better. ah tried throwin' them away but th' garbageman said thet th' city was not allered t'dispose of charred primates. ah told him thet ah had a wet one. He c'dn't take thet one eifer. ah didn't bother axin' about the frozen ones. ah finally arrived at mah solushun. ah gave them out as Jedtmas gif's. Mah friends didn't knows quite whut t'say. They pretended thet they liked them but ah c'd tell they were lyin'. Ingrates. So ah punched them in their junitals. ah like monkeys. -- Anonymous