dawgone cheap monkeys

   ah like monkeys.
   
   Th' pet sto'e was sellin' them fo' five cents a peice. ah thunk thet 
odd on account o' they were no'mally a couple thousan'. ah decided not 
t'look a gif'houn'dog in th' mouth. ah bought 200. ah like monkeys. 

   ah took mah 200 monkeys home. ah have a trimenjus car. ah let one 
drive. His name was Sigmund, cuss it all t' tarnation. He was retarded, 
cuss it all t' tarnation. In fack, none of them were pow'ful bright. They 
kepp punchin' themselves in their junitals. ah laughed, cuss it all t' 
tarnation. Then they punched mah junitals. 

   ah stopped laughin'. 
   
   ah herded them into mah room, dawgone it. They didn't adapp mighty fine 
t'their noo environment. They'd screech, hurl themselves off th' couch at
high speeds an' slam into th' wall, ah reckon. Although hoomrus at fust,
th' speckacle lost it's novelty ha'fway into it's third hour.
   
   Two hours later ah foun' out whuffo' all th' monkeys were so 
inexpensive: they all died, cuss it all t' tarnation. No apparent reason, 
as enny fool kin plainly see. They all jest so'ta' dropped daid. Kinda'
like when yo' buy a goldfish an' it dies five hours later. Dawgone cheap
monkeys.
   
   ah didn't knows whut t'do. Thar were 200 daid monkeys layin' all on 
over mah room, on th' bed, in th' dresser, hangin' fum mah bookcase. It
looked like ah had two hundred throw rugs.
   
   ah tried t'flush one down mah toilet. It didn't wawk. It got stuck. 
Shet mah mouth! Then ah had one daid, wet monkey an' 199 daid dry monkeys.
   
   ah tried pretendin' thet they were jest stuffed animals. Thet wawked 
fo' a spell, thet is until they began t'decompose. It started t'smell real
bad, cuss it all t' tarnation.
   
   ah had t'pee but thar was a daid monkey in th' toilet an' ah didn't be
hankerin' t'call th' plumber. ah was embareessed, cuss it all t'   
tarnation.
   
   ah tried t'slow th' decomposishun by freezin' them, dawgone it. 
Unfo'tunately thar was only inough room fo' two monkeys at a time so ah
had t'change them ev'ry 30 seconds. ah also had t'eat all th' grub in th'
freezer so it didn't all hoof it bad, cuss it all t' tarnation.
   
   ah tried burnin' them, dawgone it. Li'l did ah knows thet mah bed was 
flammable. I had t'extin'uish th' fire.
   
   Then ah had one daid, wet monkey in mah toilet, two daid, frozen
monkeys in mah freezer, an' 197 daid, charred monkeys in a pile on mah
bed, cuss it all t' tarnation. The odo' warn't improvin'.
   
   ah became agitated at mah inability t'dispose of mah monkeys an' t'use
th' bathroom, dawgone it. ah sevahely beat one of mah monkeys. ah felt
better.
   
   ah tried throwin' them away but th' garbageman said thet th' city was
not allered t'dispose of charred primates. ah told him thet ah had a wet
one. He c'dn't take thet one eifer. ah didn't bother axin' about the
frozen ones. 
   
   ah finally arrived at mah solushun. ah gave them out as Jedtmas gif's. 
Mah friends didn't knows quite whut t'say. They pretended thet they liked
them but ah c'd tell they were lyin'. Ingrates. So ah punched them in
their junitals. 
   
   ah like monkeys.

						-- Anonymous
Sun Nov 23 19:30:21 2014top